Click here to find the start of the story.
That’s the price of love
Can you feel it?
If we could buy it now
How long will it last?
- New Order 1993
The Price of Love is based on my own experience of bereavement as a single father of two small children.
The perspectives and insights learned along that hard road were many and unexpected. But it was the bafflement of friends facing similar struggles since which inspired me to write and to encourage them that they are not alone.
Books about cancer are always written by survivors. They tell of positive approaches, heroic struggles and managed outcomes. It is only the unwritten post-script which records later relapse – but that is never in the book.
And yet, alongside these striving-to-be optimistic cancer sufferers, every night as they fall asleep, lie their partners. Worried, overwhelmed, terrified, and facing their own fears. Having to remain positive, however bleak the outlook. It’s a terrible place to be, especially when there are children in the equation. There so often are.
It’s exhausting, and emotionally debilitating to support and nurse a partner whilst caring for tiny children, too. It’s not easy to bring your kids to their mother’s bedside, knowing that they will never see her or be held by her again.
And yet the deathbed, when it finally comes – it brings no release. Because far from being the end of a journey, it’s really just the start. Life goes backwards, not forwards as we had hoped. That’s simply how it is, and how it has to be.
There are new responsibilities and demands then. Dealing with relatives, when strained emotions bring tensions to breaking point – as they nearly always do. Facing the loss of all those dreams you shared together. Nurturing a family, alone, when you’re on the floor and no one nurtures you in return.
In our society, death is something that happens far away, to other people. It shouldn’t happen in our own living rooms or bedrooms. But it does, every day. And whilst our grief for remote public figures knows no bounds, it’s uncomfortable to think about that death which is much closer to home.
Those left behind by death are often shunned, even by their closest friends, precisely when they need emotional and practical support the most. You’d think that surprising, but it’s entirely natural, and it happens in every case I know.
It takes time to come through that. Much more time than anyone would believe. Six months on, we think the person is on the mend, and yet that’s just the lowest point. And later, too, the calendar brings no release. New seasons, birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions, Christmas – we don’t want to see any of them, but they come round relentlessly all the same.
Amongst all this, there are new lives to build. For the children as they grow, bringing such bitter-sweet joy in achievements that your special girl, their mother, will never see.
And as for you – how can you build a new life, whilst holding on to and honouring the one which went before ? Just how can you be a father, a breadwinner, and a perfect mother, too ?
There are no easy answers. And yet, there are people facing these issues, every day and all around us. Knowing that others face them too can only help.
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8 responses so far ↓
luv2teach // November 6, 2007 at 3:07 am
I am reading your story and it is truly touching. I know the pain of watching someone die of cancer and in pain, with feelings of helplessness because you can’t control it. I know what it feels like to try to tell your children that they will never see their daddy again, or hear him laugh, or hear him preach. I thank God every day that he is bringing me through it. Sometimes the loneliness can be overwhelming. I will continue to follow your story. It is very inspiring.
Roads // November 6, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Greetings, luv2teach, and a warm welcome to The Price of Love. I’m very sorry for your loss.
I hope that you find this site helpful, and wish you some respite from your loneliness.
rhosie // December 28, 2007 at 9:31 am
thanks for sharing this post… i know how hard to lose someone you loved most… death is something that is far away we imagined that our loved will go through… What more seeing the person you love suffering from severe pain and much of that you have your children to think … Your right theres no easy way and answer with things thats happen beyond our control…But i guess having faith in God lessen the burden….I believe this things happen for a reason we may not realized it now but sooner you might….
Godbless….. i am truly inspired by your post…..
Roads // December 28, 2007 at 10:39 am
Thank you for both your comments today, rhosie.
Goldie // April 3, 2008 at 6:46 pm
I stumbled accross your site and started reading yout story somewhere in the middle. I was heartbroken when I discovered the ending. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Your comment “Those left behind by death are often shunned, even by their closest friends, precisely when they need emotional and practical support the most.” saddened me. Could you expand upon it further? That there was not only a lack of support, but actual pushing away?
I hope that you and your children continue to grow stronger and more at peace every day.
Roads // April 3, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Thanks, Goldie, and welcome to The Price of Love.
Everything shifts in times like these. The dynamics of families and friendships creak under the strain.
Every cancer patient will tell you how diagnosis affected their lives profoundly - and not just how they felt about life, but how it affected all their relationships, too.
Every cancer patient will tell you that from the time they were diagnosed, there were some people they simply never heard from again. If that’s not pushing away, then I don’t know what is.
Bereavement delivers many of the same results, with a different set of people. Many folk find it hard to deal with difficult subjects, and some of them (whether subconsciously or not) will simply end up backing away.
The current sequence of posts (Chapter 13) introduces the topic of disconnection with family. I’ll talk more about friends soon. But suffice it to say, that some of our closest friendships were those that suffered the most.
You could say that ’stressful times show you who your real friends really are.’ In a conventional sense, that might almost be true. But sometimes those who care for you the most find dealing with cancer and bereavement the hardest. For a long time I struggled with that idea, but now I hope I understand it a little bit better.
People are people, and discomfort in facing loss can be a symptom of real and deep love, even if it does not appear to be.
That’s not to condone anyone backing away from those that really need support. I’d encourage anyone to step forward actively to assist friends and family in desperate times. But I do recognise that human nature is what it is, and sometimes you have to make allowances for people not always doing the very best thing.
roujinlim // June 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Hi Roads. I happened to visit your blog. I haven’t yet all the chapters, but surely I will.
I could see some wisdom in your insight (definitely it wasn’t an easy journey for you). It is such a wonderful thing to write and share this story of yours. I believe it does help others who are on the same boat.
Roads // June 18, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Thank you, roujinlim, and a warm welcome to The Price of Love. You’re very welcome here.
I think you’re right, that it’s important to learn from the experiences of others when facing difficult territory like this.
At the time of this story, I thought I was alone in facing these problems, and it troubled me that I couldn’t easily explain or understand the many conflicting emotions I felt.
It wasn’t apparent to me that other people felt exactly the same way about many of the issues I raise here. In part, that’s because although there are many fathers who suffer through times like these, very few of them have written about the experience.
That’s something I want to change, to help others who follow along this path. And sadly there are many more of them, every single day.
Many thanks again, and best wishes from London.
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