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Foreword - by Darren Clarke
In any other life, I should have felt elation as I walked onto the first tee of the K Club near Dublin at the 2006 Ryder Cup.
Surrounded by thousands of bellowing golf fans calling my name and urging me on, I was about to fulfil a sporting dream, playing against America and representing Europe, and Ireland, on Irish soil for the first time.
But my life was different. This was no dream, or anything even faintly close to one. My wife, Heather, had just succumbed to breast cancer after a long struggle only one month before. The fans knew this, of course, and the waves of emotion which washed over the golf course to support me then were comforting and yet almost crushing at the same time.
So much that the fan, and the observer of any family, sees. And yet, so much that remains invisible. Because a struggle against cancer and bereavement is not something which you live through during a few brief moments on the fairway. It’s a far more savage screenplay which digs deeper into your soul and those of everyone around you. It cuts you, and wears you down, through so many things.
Many people have asked me if I felt afraid on the first tee in Dublin that day. In truth, I felt no fear, because I knew that whatever might befall me or my golf ball at the K Club, it could never be anywhere near as bad as what had come before, or maybe what even still lay ahead. It wasn’t fear I felt, but a sense of relief. Because, no matter how ill she was, Heather had always insisted that I keep on playing. And here I was, still playing. It’s what I do, and who I am.
One thing I have learned through the experiences of these past few years is that I am not alone in confronting them. 40 000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer in the UK every year, and over 210 000 in the US. That’s one every two minutes, more or less. And that is just one kind of cancer. There are thousands of fathers like this all around us, facing their worst fears every day, trying to support loved ones who are fighting for their lives beside them. Fighting for time together, and for every extra moment that they can share. Looking to their partners for comfort, and hope, and reason, even when there isn’t any to be had.
There are thousands more fathers just like me, who have seen their worlds fall apart around them, seen their dreams crumble into sand and dust and emptiness, wondering what tomorrow will bring and how they can ever manage alone. Struggling to face up to a different life and trying to build a new future whilst still always remembering and honouring the past.
Everyone knows single mothers, but no one thinks of lone fathers. It’s different in so many ways for men left alone with children – so many more of them are working, for a start. They may not be travelling the world every week like me, but most of them will go out to work and have to leave their kids behind them regularly, just the same. And can they find support networks around them, like so many women seem to when times are tough ?
This book can help all those who face the same problems, every single day. Here was one more widowed father, just like me. But he has taken the time and effort and love and patience to put it all down, honestly. What it feels like, to live through this. That’s hard to do.
But it’s a task worth doing, because people need to know. There are so many others out there, through no fault of their own, who have no choice but to look at a different life ahead. To build a different future, whilst remembering love, and looking for love as well. Facing fears of a different kind, which no onlooker will ever really know or understand.
Believe me, this book goes to all those places. It does. It’s not an easy read, but it’s not an easy road to travel, either. And that much I know for sure. I really do.
© Darren Clarke 2007
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